Your view on yourself:

You are intelligent, honest and sweet. You are friendly to everybody and don't like conflict. Because you're so cheerful and fun people are naturally attracted to you and like to talk to you.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you meet that person.

The seriousness of your love:

You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?

Your views on education

You may not like to study but you have many practical ideas. You listen to your own instincts and tend to follow your heart, so you will probably end up with an unusual job.

The right job for you:

You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.

How do you view success:

You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.

Who is your true self:

You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

(via quizbox)
True except for "seriousness in love." That's a laugh.

Today was amazing and strange, and I'm glad it's almost over...

Sometimes I hate days like these because it reminds me how bad I am at jumping at opportunities. I hate how I can never really talk to people, or tell people exactly what I want. I need to be more assertive! 

But how can I get over almost 18 years of my own personality conditioning...?

I think I can do it...

Life is full of surprises, and weirdness. 

No need to elaborate.

I feel all artistic and shit, but I'm so lazy, and I have no direction.

I hate when this happens... 

I listened to kpop all day and felt like a loser. Haha. I need to start listening to music that I can actually understand.

I can't wait till this week is over. School is being so lame.

I want new hair:
My hair at the moment is super ehhhhh. Awkward/ weird length where it looks like crap when I try to wear it down. I've been trying to grow it out since November. 

At this point, it would be so much easier to cut it all off again. Too bad I'm not pretty enough! Haha. I always end up looking like a 12-year-old-boy. WHY FLAT CHEST, WHY?!

I miss bangs! It'll be a while before my hair reaches a nice long length, but I think I can wait...
Hopefully I don't get tired of waiting (2PM?!)

That was so pointless...

SUCK IT FAFSA, stop stressing me out! I hate thinking about college. I think I already know what I'm doing, I just haven't accepted it. I know everyone else won't accept it.

I need to stop caring about everyone else.

Strange weather we're having. 
Tornado warning? In SD?
I'd like the rain better if i didn't have to drive 40 minutes to get home. Also, if our school had actual roof coverage over the halls. Everyone walks so slow through the halls, it's so annoying.

I wish I didn't have a Stats quiz and an Art History test on the same day. I feel too stressed out to study legit-ly for anything...
Which makes things worse, of course. I'm so lazy! 
I feel like teachers are trying to cram all the work we didn't do on Monday into this week. It was a DAY OFF. Besides, the classes meet everyday, so it's not like we don't have enough time...

Ugh. All I do now is complain.

Procrastinating on HW, so here's a list of things I want/ will try to get within the next few months (or even year, if my weird desire lasts that long).

1. Cloud Patterned AA Leggings : (here) 
I'm a sucker for anything that is reminiscent of Magritte's "La Grande Famille." Like seriously.

2. Canon S90 : (here)
Instead of buying the "coolest" looking camera at the cheapest price at Target or something, I decided it would be better to invest in a quality camera that won't die within a year or two (still bitter). I don't need a DSLR, but I want professional quality, especially if I plan to travel in the near future. So Canon, S90 it is...

3. Freedom Flyer Ring : (on etsy)
Yet another Art Hist. reference! The ring is reminiscent of "Nike of Samothrace," which is my favorite sculpture so far.

4. UO Sandals : (here or here)
I hate how pricey UO is, and i hate how I like their stuff...

5. (More) Weird Asian crap from jbox. 
lol, no need to describe...I can spend over $30 on JUST candy. That is so bad.

Registered for an online chat with TUJ tomorrow. Maybe that will clear a few things up...

DIVE LIKE HELL & DESTROY.

Today was weird.

Listened to Contra on my way to school. I got a 90% on my stats probability test, which is 30% higher than I thought I did. Then, I gave my present to my BEST FRIEND because I thought it was her birthday, but it really wasn't. I felt like crap through my whole AP art hist final, and I'm pretty sure I got about 20 questions wrong because I barely studied. I had to read a part in a play for lit and lost my ability to read/ speak. Sad. 

Then I went to BLAST and saw my BFF Allan, and we wore the same shoes (!) but we didn't get to jump rope together because he left early. Poo. While I was driving home I heard "Empire State of Mind" when I randomly switched from cd to radio. I screamed the whole thing in my car because it was dark and no one could see me. 

Now I'm trying to find quotes for the in-class essay tomorrow, barely attempting stats hw, and not studying vocab for the art hist test tomorrow.

Where did my motivation go?

MAN, I really feel like I've given up lately.

Especially with school. Actually, just with school. I stayed online for like 5 hours today instead of doing stats or lit homework. I could have studied for my AP Art Hist final. I'm becoming super lazy with my home work. I'm becoming super lazy in general. It started mid-October and it hasn't gone away. I wonder what happened to me. Is it just senioritis? I'm trying in school, but once I get home I just don't care...

School has been my life for over the last 8 or so years, so it's strange to suddenly not feel motivated anymore.



I need a vacation. Ha.
 

OMG CONTRA IS UP ON THE VW MYSPACE. 
Weird lyrics are weird. Especially California English. So confused.
I miss their less-produced sounding music. I'm not exactly feeling the electronic beats, but my feelings will probably change. It's not an immediate liking (as it was with the first album), but it'll grow on me.

Today I actually revealed my arm to people (but not really) and they all seemed kind of confused, and I had difficulty explaining the meaning behind it. 

It says アクロの丘, which means "hill of the Acropolis" or "Acropolis Hill." It's a Dir en grey song, off one of their earlier albums, Gauze. While it's not exactly my favorite song (but very close!) it's the one I feel most connected to, if that makes sense. It's not exactly the lyrics, though they are beautiful, I'd be lying if I said they told the story of my life (I'm only 18 and nothing has never happened to me). It's the song as a whole. On my first/ second Dir en grey show, I saw them perform it live and it changed my life. At that moment, everything was clear to me. I could see what I wanted for my future, and suddenly I was provided elucidation as to how to achieve that future. The mini-epiphany mixed with the audio-visuals- nothing can be more beautiful or amazing to me. 

The concert experience as a whole was pretty epic (CD signing!!) and I've committed every little detail to memory.

After my concert high, I went home and I didn't know what to do with myself. My little moment of clarity seemed clouded by reality. I had worked for over 12 years to get into a prestigious university, and now my plans were suddenly changing? I totally had an existential crisis, and I think I was even dysthemic for a few days (if that's possible). After a few days, I realized that what happened to me was a gift, a life-changing experience that I had to take full advantage of. 

I had wanted to get a tattoo before the concert, but after it felt really natural to get the song inked into my skin. Without planning, I ended up getting it a month after the concert, on Dec. 22. It was a sign! ha.

...but I'm not planning on telling my parents until I move out. 

:)

Last winter break of high school, and it feels like it.

It's strange to comprehend a "New Year." Life can be measured in so many ways, it's strange to think that one universal date marks a year. I doubt tomorrow will feel any different. 

2009 was not the kindest year. Inevitably, things have gotten much harder. I'm not necessarily sure if it's all to do with age. It seems as though everything just went wrong- the economy, mostly. The economy affected everyone, and my family suffered. 

I also found myself increasingly unhappy with the population. Not just with the racists or conservatives who dished out unrelenting criticism on a capable president. Not just with the homophobes who hid behind all sorts of excuses to justify their positions against the legalization gay marriage. Not just with my generation and the awful celebrity they blindly and willingly worship. I've come to realize that I am sometimes alone, even among friends. I'm not sure whether this is a recent development, or if the events of 2009 just made me realize my growing apathy for people I once claimed to love.

In retrospect, it's been a pretty uneventful year, as far as the word "event" goes. There have been partings and returnings, endings and beginnings. Forgiveness and fights. I found myself at a Dir en grey concert at the end of the year, a moment where I felt I could truly see. Those moments created the year, defined them, but on paper they sound so simple. Regrettably, I feel so far removed from the hardships of everyone around me, the happenings of the world. I could only barely empathize as I watched the Philippines suffer natural disasters and a horrible massacre. I could only distantly pray for my cousins who were mugged for no apparent reason. If anything, this year has been one of great self-awareness and self-discovery, but this newfound elucidation has made me more lonely and disillusioned than anything else...

One tiny event everything to me. My year started there, but it's strange to think it's only acknowledged by me. It's regarded as a tiny speck of dust in the grand scheme of things, in 2009. How is it that happens...?

2009. At the beginning of the year I would have never thought I would develop an affection for k-pop, or feel so lonely amongst friends. Feel contempt at an Arctic Monkeys show. Enjoy video games and horchata more than football games and dances. See a ridiculously cute boy at a show and fall hopelessly in love. Gain understanding through a Diru show, get their words inked into my skin. Discover that my college plans have been a lie.

2010. I can't even imagine what the new year will bring. I poorly forecasted 2009, so I can only hope my predictions for 2010 will come true, even in part. I am thankful for living through all the good and bad, despite my constant bitching, and I can't help but be a little excited for the future.

This song finally makes sense. I don't know if i should be worried or amused that the music I used to listen to can be applied frighteningly close to my own life.

Winter Break has finally begun!

School was really lame. I didn't feel particularly social and we did absolutely nothing in class. I have lots of studying to do/ hw I should catch up on during break. It's not too bad, but I wish I could relax...

I'm excited for my potentially awesome tattoo! Tuesday. I can't think of a good place to put it, but I'm certain I want it. 

Totally random, but I really want to grow my hair out. I've decided to swear off haircuts until it grows to a length I deem satisfactory. I might not be able to survive. We'll see what it looks like in March...

As exciting as short hair is, I don't know if I'll ever get it this short again. I look like a 12-year-old boy. 

Speaking of March...
I think that's about the time acceptance/ FAIL letters come in. I'm hoping to get into somewhere awesome. UC is now my fallback- isn't that funny? I spent so much money and time on applications, 4 years, only to realize that it's not for me. Well, I suppose I'd rather be on the right track...

Senioritis is setting in, and it's setting in FAST. I'm starting not to care! This is not good!


As it stands, I have two Stats assignments (that will probably take me an hour each) to finish/ a FAIL probability test to study for, civics crap to deal with (community service is suddenly not fun), Wuthering Heights to read, and studying for human bio. I'm so lazy, I'm just sitting here thinking about all of them. I just spent 3 hours online doing nothing. I could have done some Stats. Stupid hw packet. I'm not even sure why I'm taking an AP math class. Math has never been my thing. I got a D on the last probability quiz (for some reason, I totally suck when it comes to probability), and I thought that was low enough to drop be to a B. I have a 90.29%. It can only go down if I keep doing so badly.

I have a really bad habit of making things really hard for myself. Maybe that's why I'm so miserable.

I'm also starting to realize that there are only a few people I will really miss come June. I honestly can say that I don't care about 9/10 of the school population. I'm not mad or bitter or anything...I just don't like people (which is why I'll have problems finding a job...) and I'm tired of everyone. I think I'm just too self-centered. Also, high-schoolers are so stupid. It's hard to sympathize with idiots and annoying assholes.

Despite this, I'm 100% sure that I will be homesick when I leave. I'm also 100% sure that I'm leaving once I sort out everything. I feel like I don't belong here. Isn't that a strange thing? 18 years and I feel like an outsider. I wonder if it will ever change...

But thinking about graduation...

I used to be scared out of my mind. Now I'm excited. The only issue I have is waiting a little to get what I want. I want to dive right in, but I'm pretty sure that would be more destructive than constructive. The worst part will be seeing everyone move around me while I stay still, but that's all temporary. I keep forgetting that I'm doing stuff my myself, not for anyone else.

I feel different, but I'm stuck in my old skin. I still look like a 12-year-old :P

(On a totally random note, FY! INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS TOMORROW! WEEEEEE)

After my Dir en grey spurred existential crisis (which progressed later into an epiphany), I think I finally know where I'm going in life and what I want to do.

I've always wanted to live in Japan (actually, anywhere overseas, but Japan was the one I was most pulled toward), but I never knew how I was going to get there. All I knew was that it was where I felt I was suppose to be, and eventually I'd end up there. I decided to just take the route everyone else was taking- I applied to 4 UCs, but even after applying, I didn't feel any relief. I still had no idea what was going to happen to me, I still did not know for sure what I was going to do. I was going to major in Art History and hope for the best...

Then I went to a Dir en grey show. During Akuro no Oka I realized that I didn't have to go to a UC. It hit me that I'd have to proactively seek out a solution, and I think that solution is applying to TUJ. I think I'll do 2 years at Palomar so I can work and save up for Tokyo. I'm so excited! I might major in International Business or Asian Studies with an emphasis on Art History. I can minor in Japanese as well.

This is the first time I've actually had clear direction, the first time I've been more excited than scared (or concerned/ worried). It feels nice :)

Anyway, here's a general list of the things I want in my future:
1. Scottish fold - My mom is afraid of cats (and i may even be slightly allergic...) but Scottish folds are super cute! If I live off campus and I'm allowed to have a pet, I am totally saving up for one. I'm going to name it Alexturner, but call it Totchi.
2. Camera! - One can only go so far with Polaroids...
3. Tattoo - I already have them picked out (only two!) and they have symbolic/ sentimental meaning, so they're not just random things I wanted to get inked into my skin. I've put a lot of thought into them, so now it's just a matter of finding the means to pay for them.

Winter break, almost!

HOLY SHIT LAST NIGHT WAS SO FUCKING EPIC!

On Saturday morning I woke up and I was like: "I want to go see them again." So I bought my ticket and saw them again last night.

So traffic wasn't too bad (like last time), and we weren't too far back in the line (like last time). Line people = awesome. Then, as we were going in, we see KYO walk up the stairs, but no one says a word until he get into the door. I decided to stand on the floor, next to the stage, and it was the 2nd best idea of the night. I actually felt like I was part of the music and the show reather than being just an observer. The crowd wasn't too crazy and the people who wanted to mosh did their thing in their own designated area. Close enough to almost catch a drumstick, but not a guitar pick. Close enough to get water spit on me by Kyo though, and water thrown by Die. YAY.

The performance itself = EPIC. They had a completely different setlist. アクロの丘!! It was magical, and Toshiya was so badass. Seriously though, KYO is INSANE. It was crazy to see him screaming up close. I'm still in awe of him. Their live music sounds better than the Cd, and the CD is pretty amazing.

After the concert ended (D:) we went up to buy merch and they made an announcement that anyone who bought the CD or DVD could get it signed by the band. So Boflex & I were like HOLY SH- and we bought two. THEN OMG I ALMOST STARTED CRYING. I wanted to hug them. The table was set up Die, Shinya, Kaoru, Toshiya, Kyo. Die has a very angular face. Shinya looks really fragile. Kaoru is still really stoicly badass looking. Toshiya = SUPER CUTE. Kyo looks nothing like he looks on stage. I wanted to tell them I loved them as I shook their hands, but my mind went blank and I just nodded and smiled. But I touched greatness! My dream since 8th grade realized! I had to check the CD when I woke up this morning to make sure it wasn't all a dream.

In hindsight, there were a lot of things I should have done, but it was seriously the best concert I've ever been too. They were so gracious to their fans. They love us as much as we love them. As badass as they are on stage, they seem like really nice people. It's hard to forget taht they're actually humans. The last show of their North American tour is tonight (oh sanfran gets all the fun), and I hope they come back fast.

Still definitely not satisfied, I'm not sure I'll ever be. TILL NEXT TIME DIR EN GREY.

I'm a little lost...what do I do now? I need more excitement. The only thing that sucks abou them playing another show tonight in CA is that it makes me feel like I'm losing an opportunity to see them again. SIGH.

The concert was probably the best live show I've ever been too. I opted to stand in the back (which was probably the stupidest choice I ever made), but I was able to see the performance as a whole. Of course, when they threw everything and more into the audience, I died a little inside. The crowd was pretty amazing, really enthusiastic.

But onto the music...

So amazing. I'm not sure if Kyo is even human. He alternated between screaming and singing, hitting all the notes perfectly. I was waiting for them to play "Red Soil," and "Merciless Cult," but instead they played "The Final," "The Pledge," and "凌辱の雨," which I wasn't expecting. They are also exceptional performers. They all engage the crowd, gave the fans what they wanted. Kyo = BAMF the whole time. His whole body shook when he screamed SO FUCKING CRAZY. Shinya and Kaoru were stoicly badass. Toshiya was so boyish (with an awesome haircut) and never stopped moving. Die had a fan in front of him or something because his hair was *constantly* moving the wind (made model status fa sho). They all seemed like they were in their own little worlds, but they always performed as a single unit.

It was kinda really beautiful, in a weird way. It's hard to explain- just seeing them up there, the music playing- it was like...art. Seriously.

The only problem is that I need to see them again, because I am not satisfied by only seeing them once.

TILL NEXT TIME DIR EN GREY. I'll be waiting.

Daul Kim 1989-2009

This is...I don't even know...
I can't believe she's dead. I remember reading her blog and being amazed by how profound her thoughts were.



"oh but how lonely it is.

then and now"

I'm so pissed right now/ I need to rant hardcore.

So we got our schedules for trimester 2 today. So fucking disorganized. First, they tell us we're going to be getting our schedules the morning of the first day of second trimester, then they change it so that we get our schedules first period. Then we have to look on a list posted in front of the school to find what our first period. I got Stats, which made me a little sad because I really wanted to be in second period- but it wasn't really a big deal. When we got our schedules I saw that they put me in drama- a class I really don't need. I also can't afford to take drama. I need more 3 classes to GRADUATE, and one of them isn't drama. I'm in 3 AP classes so I can't afford to have all 3 classes next trimester because it's impossible to have 6 classes. I need a second term of Human Bio, a computers class, and Econ (which I know I'll have next trimester). Long story short- I can't be in drama, but they scheduled me anyway.

I tried going second period, but there was total chaos and a longass line. This lady asked me what my schedule problem was and I told her I couldn't be in drama because I needed 3 classes to graduate, but she told me I'd have all of them next trimester. I tried to explain to her that there was no way of that happening, but she totally cut me off and told me there was nothing they could do and to go to class. WTF I understand that you're super busy, but if I don't get the classes I need I DON'T GRADUATE. How's that for a problem? How are you going to fix my schedule when I need to take more classes than there are periods? And seriously, at least listen to what I have to say. I'm a senior, I should be getting priority.

Trimesters are a mess. How is it that so many people end up with so many conflicts? I really don't inderstand. I'm so frustrated.

I miss last trimester. Everyone in fourth period is so stupid. It's my fault for not taking AP, but I seriously don't understand how you can get through life being so stupid.

Today was not a good day.

Every Friday I sit in Borders for an hour and read a few chapters. I like how the memories are described. Of course, it probably would be more powerful in its native text, but I'll settle for what I can actually read.